Ugh.

I need new people in my life.

Dear diary

Dear diary, 

I woke up today and started getting ready for work when I realized that there was a small spot of blood on my shoe. I couldn't think of what it might be, but then I noticed there was a dead carcass under my computer desk, and I may have accidentally kicked it while I was on the computer last night. 

Thinking it was a prank from one of my friends, I examined the body and realized that it was a real, once living person. In a panic, I covered the corpse in dirty clothes so it would look like the rest of my room. 

I thought about calling in to work but I had already called in this week, and I might have been questioned. I just crossed my fingers and hoped nobody would look in my room. 

The sight of a dead body made my stomach upset, so when grandma asked me if I was going to eat something before work I just shook my head and tried to not look her in the eye. So my dad sits down at the table and grandma starts telling him about this missing person they're talking about on the news. 

I just laughed nervously and said, "that's terrible." 

At work I performed poorly because I obviously had more important things on my mind. I asked my supervisor to let me work an easy section, so she puts me in gaming. Things were going well until I get a text message from my friend. 

hey u wanna hang out l8r?? 

I tell him I have something important to do later and he responds. 

ya i no all about that. ill pick u up from work. 

At this point I'm confused and hungry and I don't object at all. He shows up to work about a half hour before my shift is over and I see him looking at ipods. I walked up to him and told him hey man, I really cannot hang out today. 

He tells me to chill out, and after I get off we leave to get some food. We park in the driveway of a place I don't recognize and I ask him if its a new restaurant. He shrugs. When we walk in everyone starts waving at me and saying hello. I don't know these people, but they seem to know me. 

Its our man, they say. Its that guy! 

I ask them who they think I am, and they pretend like I'm joking. C'mon, man. That's what they tell me. I turn to my friend and tell him I'm not hungry after all, but everyone starts to push me towards the center of the room. 

They tell me I was the winner last night. The winner of what, I ask? As soon as I talk one guy opens up a set of curtains. Behind the curtains is a man tied to a large, spinning circle. 

They tell me I'm an expert at this and hand me a knife. I don't know what they're talking about.Throw! They shout it at me. Throw! I tell them I don't want to. Last night I didn't have any objections, they tell me. Last night I was awesome. My friend asks me why I don't remember anything, but I honestly don't know. Maybe I do this all the time. Why would I forget something like this? 

Throw! Throw! They chant. 

So I throw, and the knife punctures the man through the lung. The crowd goes wild. 

You did it! They cheer. 

The guy who opened the curtains unstraps the dying man from the spinning wheel and starts the wrap the guy in some sort of powdered paper. He tells my friend to take care of the body. 

My friend turns to me and says I need to find a ride home, but it shouldn't be hard because the people here are really cool. Then he takes the body and loads it up in the back of his SUV. I ask him why he can't take me home, and he says its because he has to give somebody else a ride. I ask who? 

"You see that drunk guy right there? He's not gonna remember anything that happened tonight."

Destroy Boy

I wake up with a headache and I'm like ten years old. I sleep in a small wooden shed outside of my parent's country home, which is surrounded by miles and miles of green. On one side there are trees, and on the other side there is nothing. I am miles away from other people, so there is a lady in a wagon that comes to pick me up for school. But first I need to eat breakfast in my parents' house. 

I'm meant to knock on the door of their house, but I just walk in. I get scolded. I sit at my usual seat at the table and look up at mom and dad. He likes to wear a white panama hat, and she wears the same dress every day. At least I think it's the same one. 

Dad needs to shave. It started out as laziness, but now he grows a beard as some sort of sick sense of defiance. He goes on about how he hates pretty faced "faggots" and mom nods. Mom hates the beard too. I can tell when I look at her. She was probably pretty at some point, but now her eyes have sunken into complacency. She follows dad's dismal thinking because where she is from, they don't let women think. Good stuff.  

It's the fourth of July. I ask dad what we are doing to celebrate. He says I'm not meant to know.

After school I come home and we eat dinner. Dad says he has a surprise. 

He takes us outside and says, "These are fireworks."

I find out that fireworks are the most amazing thing. They explode into beatiful colors. They can be entertaining, but dangerous if not handled properly. I fell in love at first sight. 

The next day I bring a firework to school and I tell a classmate to hold on to it and it goes off in his hand. At first I didn't respect their destructive power, but after this I do. I get scolded as usual, but it doesn't bother me much. I had found something to give me a bit of meaning. 

So when I eventually killed my father, I used fireworks. I thought it would be funny, but it really wasn't. Still glad I did it though. Killing dad wasn't like a huge act of revenge or anything. It was just on a list of things I had planned to do, and I was inspired at the moment. You might think that I hated the man, but it was more like I had no feeling for or against him at all. 

I've heard somebody call me a sociopath. No, that's not true. People like you and I have devils in us. It's that devil that causes us to do things like that. It makes us stronger, faster, and impossible to kill. You know? It's that obsession. I know you feel it. 

Crab Kings

Based on a filipino folk story. I added a bit to it.

The Crabs were a frustrated race. Always racing from side to side, and nobody knows what they're doing. It is said that because of the warring nature of the crabs, they have two kings. One in time of diplomacy, and one in times of war. It is also said that if a crab were to be to become too powerful, it was common for him to be assassinated, therefore most of the crab kings chose to stay in line.

 

During the time of this story, the two crab kings were actually brothers. Though they were related, and looked nearly identitical, they really were nothing alike. The first brother was kind and gentle, and always using reason to solve issues. The second brother was rash and violent, choosing force over words. 

So one day in the crab council, the second brother brought up that the waves were too loud and that the crabs could not sleep at night. Tired, restless crabs could not defend other crabs, so this was a very serious issue. The first brother decided, since he was the active king, that he would reason with the waves. The second brother, though he did not approve, had no say in the matter and thus kept his mouth shut. 

But a sad thing happened. Days went by and the first brother never returned. Though the second brother didn't get along with the first brother, he still loved him very much. Hurt and confused, the second brother rallied all the able-bodied male crabs and started to march towards the waves. 

Along the way, the second brother and his army encountered a shrimp. The shrimp, curious as he is, asked the crab warriors where they were headed. 

"We are waging war with the waves," said the king. "For they have kept us awake and killed my beloved brother."

The shrimp laughed. 

"But your legs are so weak, they have to bend to support your heavy bodies. You will be washed off your feet and die before you strike a single blow!"

The king was furious. He ordered his men to apprehend the shrimp, and torture it with thier pincers. 

"Okay! Okay! I will try to steer the battle in your favor. Please let me go!"

So they let him go. 

They arrived at the shore a while later and prepared for war. This is when the king crab noticed that the shrimp's eyes were set, and he figured this was an anatomical error. 

"Listen, shrimp. You are facing the wrong way. How will you help us fight the waves? What weapon do you wield?"

"I wield a spear on my head," said the shrimp. 

Then suddenly a huge wave rushed forward, and the shrimp swam away to safety. The crabs, since they were looking the wrong way, were washed off their feet, covered with water, and drowned. This is considered the saddest day in crab history. 

Soon after, the wives of the crab warriors wandered to thes shores looking for their long lost husbands. But unprepared, they too were washed away and murdered by the cruel waves. 

After that, little crabs would come to the shore looking for their parents. The sad, old regretful shrimp would stand near the shore and tell them the cruel fates their fathers suffered, but always upsold their bravery. This is why crabs now live near the water. 

They scuttle back and forth, trying to kill the waves. 

Angry?

I don't understand people that get angry. 

Anger gives you a temporary boost of strength, which in "The Real World" really doesn't help you at all. If you're not playing sports, or fighting for your life, then what is the point?

I'm sure people have noticed when they sit still, pissed off, they just stew and can't focus on anything else. How is that going to help you? 

Not to say I don't get angry. I just don't get angry like some people do. My mom will go on screaming about how I don't ever put the dishes up, but the fact is, if I do put the dishes up then grandma gets upset because I'll somehow mess it up. 

So you can see the humor here. I'm going to piss off somebody no matter what. My brother gets mad about this. He starts yelling about the injustice, but he really shouldn't because it is hilarious. 

If mom and grandma realized that, they wouldn't laugh either because they're just angry people. I can't relate to them.

Dad gets passive agressive when he's pissed. Talks real nice when meaning snide things. If you roll your eyes he gets even angrier. But he can't punch me. His heart is too small and he would pass out. So how is a burst of physical energy going to help him?

It's not. I'd knock his ass out, unfairly so. Psh, honor. 

Speaking of, the subject of honor came up the other day. Some guys at work were saying it wasn't honorable to shoot a guy while he was reloading, but I always figured that was the perfect time to shoot somebody. I'm sure most people that are getting fucking shot at would agree. If that rule were ever in effect, I would just use my reloading time to move forward since they couldn't shoot me. Plus, I could probably fire first after reloading, because they couldn't be sure when I stopped reloading in the first place. 

I'd be the best gunfighter in a world where the rules stop you from being unfair. Ironic. 

I will never respect the concept of honor until a line is drawn between what is honorable and dishonorable. Even then, I'm pretty sure anybody with a little logic and reasoning could tear it apart. It's not hard. Honor is as invisible as God is. And we all know how He feels about the scientific method. 

I can't seem to write 500 words on a particular subject so my posts get all fragmented. Next time I may just try to write about one thing. 

But now I'll talk about Sacred 2. It's a fun game. Addictive. But god, the art direction upsets me. It's like they chose to create this awesome fantasy world but decided they'd do so without style. So every character looks like a twiggy version of a human with super high cheek bones and body parts that are too thin in some places and too robust in others. 

Why would you do that? What's worse is that not many people seem to be bothered by the ugliness. I know it's not just me. Speak up, guys. 

Robot Champion

So I have sort of moved myself over to the media section because I like it there a bit more. I don't have to force overpriced hdmi cables on to people, and if somebody tells me they are just looking, they are probably telling the truth.

I mostly find movies and music for people, and answer questions and such. Sometimes I have to sell mp3 players, which technically isn't my department, but I do it anyway because why not?

My favorite part of working in retail is the people. I've said before, for every butthead that hassles you there is a genuinely awesome customer on the next isle to make up for it.

Well this lady comes in and she's looking for that Jack Black/Micheal Cera movie that hasn't come out yet. I tell her we don't have it, and she's upset and I go on to help other people. Well I see her again in the horror aisle a small time later and ask her if she's still doing okay.

"I'm looking for something either really funny or really gruesome."

I'm like whoa, you asked the right guy.

She wants one of the Hellraiser sequels, but she owns all the ones we have. I show her this box set we have which is actually in the shape of the box from the movies. She loves it and totally freaks out. I am also freaking out because this lady is awesome.

Keep in mind this lady is older, so there's nothing romantic there. Just the funny feeling you get when you meet somebody that has the same weird taste in things that you do. She was as normal looking as they get, too.

I suggest to her some fucked up japanese horror movies I like, and she says she doesn't like subtitles with her gore. But then she explains that it's nothing against japanese, because she has a collection of s&m anime movies. Yes.

She comes back the next day and buys A Clockwork Orange and a season of Dexter. What an amazing person.

Yeah, so.

I'm not socially retarded by any means. I know how to groom myself, and I dress okay, and I talk okay but I'm still an introvert and people still exhaust me. With the exception of a few people, like Sophia maybe, I just don't want to get close. In fact, a lot of the people I know have never seen me outside of a suit or vest (or possibly work uniform). Nick is probably the only person that's ever seen my in an undershirt, chilling out. Most of all being comfortable.

I like being around people. I really do. But I'm rarely comfortable. I can get together and talk to a bunch of guys but after a while I just want to leave. But I don't want people to think I'm a flake so I stay. I'm not like Daniel Plainview or something. I don't just see bad in people. I think I just see a lot of bad in myself, and if anyone were to discover that, they'd know why I don't talk about it.

Boom. 500 words.

500 Words

I made this blog to post up my 500 words a week. Nobody will see these most likely.